I’m finding myself feeling like I’m in a fog. A bit of a “fog of denial” you could say. Every day I truck on, making it through to the next, trying to stay positive that life has to begin to improve soon. Yet it’s becoming harder and harder to stay positive at times. Tonight being one.
I am extremely nostalgic. I can go through old photos I’ve seen a million times, watch clips of my boys when they were tiny a million times, music, movies, etc. I live for that stuff, or, I used too. Today has been one of those days where I have looked at old pictures, watched old home videos, and it all made me smile until I stopped and reality hit. My life will never be the same. I will never have the relationships with so many people I dearly loved for so many years. It sucks. It makes looking at all these past happy times, that always gave me the good ole warm fuzzies, now filling me with a gut churning sadness.
So tonight I went to my to see the spawn. Just to get some pre-bedtime cuddles because I hadn’t seen them in a couple of days. Nathan, the hater of pants, greeted me at the door in his Tom and Jerry underwear and jumped in to my arms, Tyler in his long sleeve/pants pj’s, wrapped his arms around me, and the furry one came squealing out of the kitchen to dive in on the action too. Immediate happiness all around. Boys were excited to show me how they and their dad decorated inside the house for Christmas today and pointed out each individual decoration to me (which I myself personally spent years collecting.) Made me a bit sad that I don’t get to be there with them and enjoy them all, but also happy to see the boys light up in awe over the Christmas magic.
Yesterday hit a point with the Wasband that left me spending the evening cooling off and collecting my thoughts before I decided to blog (as to not get myself in trouble in our pending divorce litigation.)
Beginning with the spawn had parent-teacher conferences yesterday. Your typical yearly standards. We both attended and all was fine and dandy other than some typical homework/subject woes and lack of organization on the tiny spawns part. We sat at the table, politely and composed, as parents, putting aside our differences for at least two 20 minute session spans. Then we all walked back to the house together (our home is 5 houses from the boys school.)
Then the bickering began.
Today was “Part 1”. Today sucked. All the sleeplessness, stress, preparing, ended with a simple “do you understand Miss Daniels?” And I replied “Yes.” AND. THAT. was it. The county decided that the child support judgement can’t be defined yet. That everything is too “special circumstances” and it will now be handled in the divorce when we get to that point. Yay fun! Neither of us was ordered to pay the other anything currently in child support. The smile on his face post court made me want to punch a kitten. (Not really, but no way in hell will I put my actual thoughts of bodily harm on the “Internets” lol) but the thought of punching a kitten should let you know the equivalent.
Yet! IT’S all my own doing…??!? Why can’t I crush him like he so easily does to me?!?! Sigh, the knowing of how me screwing him over will trickle down to our boys, yet again prevents me from being the Incredible Hulk that is dying to unleash on him.
So after the Wasband got the boys late afternoon, my mother looked at me and said, let’s go have Mexican food. Game on. 2 margaritas and an enchilada, after days on really not a single substantial meal, and days of no sleep…I am in a relaxed sloth mode food coma to the extreme. I think I’m going to sleep tonight… finally… Let’s just hope it’s in my bed and not on my patio.. Again. Lol
So this shall be my first “Deep End” post and I’m actually quite surprised how difficult it is for me to convey my thoughts in to type vs the ammo I’ve got ready to fill my “Shallow” posts.
Tomorrow is officially our first court date. A child support/custody hearing. I am dreading it like a hot poker to the eye. Why though?? This is only in my benefit. I have only received 1 1/2 payments of anything from the Wasband since this ordeal became my reality 4th of July. Maybe it’s the fact that I know he refuses to play nice. That tomorrow is surely to be as much fun as laying naked in a pile of fire ants covered in honey. That I am already so drained by the entire ordeal that the thought that this is essentially just “Part 1” of the long haul nightmare that he has promised/threatened me with so kindly. Not to mention his lawyer makes my skin crawl. Just a despicable human being that doesn’t have our boys best interest as a priority.
When this all officially started 4.5 months ago, I didn’t dislike him even. We had just grown apart, had our differences. Married young, our wants had grown and changed and we could not be the people to fulfill what the other needed anymore. We tried. We really did. We are both just too set in our ways and sadly started trying a few years too late. Unfortunately, we are just another statistic. Something that I always swore I was never going to be. I was going to be the girl who got married at 19 and and prove everyone wrong. At first it was heart wrenching. Finally giving up and agreeing to his want of a divorce, “Am I doing the right thing? Why don’t I have any more fight left? Will my kids one day understand that I REALLY, truly wanted to fix ‘us’ more than just for their sake?” I battled this for a full year before I succumbed to his fight. And when I finally did, there was a sense of peace immediately, guilt for my children’s sake, but a serenity knowing that I would no longer feel like I had to walk on egg shells and was holding my family together with dental floss. We were civil, amicable, and discussed how we both were happy to be moving on, sad that we failed, yet wanted nothing more than to see the other be happy. There was no level of hate portrayed. I remember every. Tiny. Detail. Of that conversation that late night in May.
But here we are. Adding cliché after cliché to our statistic proving fiasco. I would still like to be friendly for our boys’ sake. It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that may never be, or if ever, a long way down the road yet. I can be as nice as can be yet he is incapable of absorbing and reflecting it. I really believe now that he enjoys dishing me misery. That it’s a sick twisted game for him to see who ‘wins’ in what remains of ‘us.’ I’m willing to take it all and still try and be civil, but when he brings the honey badger out to protect her kiddos best interests…. Well all I can say is I hope he remembers my bite is FAR worse than my bark and that a honey badger will persist to the point of perishing.
Divorce sucks. The only bright side to any of this anymore is I no longer have any dwindling thoughts of “am I doing the right thing?” It has reached the point of the nastier he treats me, the bigger the smile of relief crosses my face. The ‘WTF was I thinking that there was ever hope?!?’ moment. So as my boys are happily cutting Zzzzz’s on an air mattress tonight next to my bed, in my mothers house, I’m smiling now. At least tomorrow IS “Part 1”. Bring on “Part 2,3,4….” Whatever you got buddy because in the end I AM and WILL continue to be happy regardless of your attempts to destroy my spirit.